Since the holidays are approaching rapidly, here is one of my old recipes from our Edinboro Book Arts Collective cookbook project.
This recipe should be reserved for a special holiday treat, as it is somewhat expensive to prepare.
SCOTT'S ROAST PACHYDERM WITH STUFFING
1 medium to large pachyderm, preferably professionally butchered
270 loaves of day-old bread
42 TBS of Sage
16 pounds of butter
65 cups of celery, chopped
25 pounds of sausage, cooked and drained
15 large onions, minced
24 TBS salt
12 TBS paprika
1 garden hose
1 fifty-five gallon drum
1 snow shovel
5,000 feet of aluminum foil
10 gallons of kerosene
1 pack matches
1 tractor with front-end loader
Preparation:
Knock out kitchen wall with front-end loader. Do not worry about the mess- it will be taken care of later in the recipe. Call your butcher well in advance of your event to arrange for delivery. Push pachyderm into the kitchen. Hooking your garden hose to the sink faucet, (if still in working order) clean the carcass thoroughly, inside and out. Do not forget to remove the packet of giblets! Place them in the 55 gallon drum of water and reserve for later.
In a clean bedroom, cut the 270 loves of bread into cubes and toss onto floor. Melt the butter and sauté celery and onions. Add sausage (cooked) and seasonings. Mix well using the snow shovel. Dressing should be stuffed generously into the cavity. (Some people prefer to truss it also, in which case a knitting needle and some clothesline will be required)
Wrap pachyderm in aluminum foil. The steam will cook it, so do not leave gaps. This tends to dry out the white meat. Push prepared package (again with tractor) to an inside wall and douse your home liberally with kerosene, both inside and out. Obviously, as with any cookout, neighbors and fire department should be notified in advance to prevent a false alarm from spoiling your event. Try to time it so that dinner is ready just before your family, friends, and total strangers begin to gather.
Cooking time varies; estimate 6 hours for a brick house, but allow 8 for wooden ranch types, since they don't hold the heat as well. Drum of giblets can be placed upon the chimney, but care should be taken not to allow them to boil dry. Light the fire and prepare other traditional fixings such as sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce, while main course is cooking.
Serves: 250-300 people
Pre-emptive disclaimer- Do the internet a favor and please keep preachy comments to yourself. This is intended to be about absurdity and humor. I am a vegetarian and very appreciative of my four-legged relatives. I boycott zoos and circuses. I understand that a house burning down is traumatic. Like most of the recipes I have seen on Facebook, I would NOT recommend actually making this. If you are outraged and offended, your assignment prior to commenting is to read Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" and use it to explain the word satire. Hoping this silly piece brings a chuckle or two to everyone else.
